Uncertain

This one is for you young husbands.  After years of having my wife asking me to “retouch” perfectly beautiful photos of her and the kids (but never me), I finally get it.  A woman’s job is to CREATE UNCERTAINTY.  This revelation is a huge springboard to carrying me through a happy middle-agehood and beyond.  I’ll explain.

When I see a photo of my wife, I see her beautiful face, happy smile and age-defying skin, but she sees something else and knows Photoshop exists.  In the past, I said how I didn’t see anything wrong with the photo and told her how great she looked, which she took as the beginning of an argument.  When I see a photo of my kids, I prefer dirt and stains and messed-up hair and all the realities of what kids look like.  Pictures of clean, stainless, smiling, well-dressed, perfectly coiffed kids give me the creeps.

But remember, fellas, the goal here for women is to CREATE UNCERTAINTY.  So you go ahead and clean the chocolate off the kids’ faces (you know, the M&M bribe you had to make just to get them to put on that sailor suit), take an imperceptible laugh line off your wife’s face, add a little hair to cover her ear, whiten teeth, whatever.  Just do it. (If you’re a real pro, you’ll do it happily and not grumble things like “I can’t believe you think this is better” or “Jesus H” between mouse clicks.

When the photo goes out, the other women will study it.  You heard me.  Women look at photos of other women and their families and HERE’S WHERE YOUR PHOTOSHOP WORK PAYS OFF.  You have created uncertainty in the minds of the other women.  They all know about retouching and Photoshop, but none of them have the balls to call and say, “Okay bitch, I see you your beautiful family here, and I may not have seen you down at Westbank Dermatology, but I do know that you don’t look like this, so WTF is going on here?” Goal set, goal achieved.  Uncertainty.  It really is a victimless crime, and I’m a better man for knowing about it.

And if you DON’T do the Photoshop work your wife asks, the other women will see EXACTLY what you were supposed to fix and take huge amounts of joy in the fact their “friend” looks older than them and her kids aren’t cared for as well.  They’ll even call her and use “the tone” that all women know and say “I got your card today and it’s SOOOOO cute,” which will begin a completely new argument, one you didn’t even see coming.

So do yourself a favor this Holiday season and learn from ol’ CW here.  And if you don’t know Photoshop and find yourself in this situation, send me your photo and I’ll fix it for you.  After all these years, you don’t even have to explain what you want done.  I’ve seen it all, and I have a Masters in the Business of Uncertainty.